How to Get Closure From Heartbreak and Someone we Cannot Seem to Let go of?

Many of you may have read my blog, the Re-entry of the Love of my Life.
Which was the same man that my third book, An Uncompromised Life, was entangled with.
Three years of my life with energy, focus, passion, a desire to love and be loved, and I can peacefully say the chapter of this love story has come to a closure.
This is something I’ve lost countless hours of my life to thinking, analyzing, crying, daydreaming, wondering, spending time with him, conversating about a future marriage — a wedding — kids. It was the first time I could see it all with someone. The intensity from both people to do whatever it takes to make it work — the arguments — the crying — the lovemaking — the merging of two worlds — the understanding — the intention to want something with another — the purity in both of our hearts wanting to return to each other even though our minds weren’t healthy for each other.

It’s the art of irony. Two people who love each other and can’t stand certain traits about each other.
 Two people who want to love but cannot meet eye to eye.
Two people who believed in their hearts went to the end of the world for one another but still felt betrayed by each other.
This game of life — consistently delivers us precisely what we need to prepare each of us for our future.

This was profound; it was deep, it was insane, it was a roller-coaster of every human emotion relationship. 
It was the type of relationship when you’re not with that person you feel sick to your stomach.
When you think this person is out doing something or meeting people, the thought of losing them throws you into a full-on panic and anxiety attack because the love you have cultivated with them is so passionate.
But that’s just it; I had to understand the difference between love and passion on my life journey. I thought this was love, but it was passion.

Passion means you are insanely head over emotions for another person.
Even if you try your best, you become reactive to them because the thought of allowing them to hurt you brings you through a whirlwind.
Love was described to me the other day as when you no longer see something external to you but part of you.
This is like your mom and dad; they are external, but they live inside you. Your home is exterior to you, but you can feel your home living inside you. My blankets I called Tito’s when I was little. I can still feel the soft cotton fabric brushing on my face; this lives inside me.
These are things you love, not passion.
And if I am being honest with this man, I never saw him as part of me because deep down, I never wanted him as part of me. After all, if I am being honest, I always knew he’d always disappointed me. And he has been my biggest life disappointment over and over again. I never trusted him, and I didn’t trust myself enough to know it couldn’t work.
I thought maybe it be different; perhaps I could analyze my way into loving this man.
Maybe I can create enough experiences with him where the memories are so strong that I begin to see him as me.
But in truth, deep down, I knew it couldn’t happen because he lied the moment I met him.
He said he never lived with anyone and that there was no serious relationship.

Come to find out in part two of this relationship; he is going through a divorce with this woman.
I ended up giving him $15,000 of my money from my business that I let him take part in of my existing clients already where he did no promotion; he just showed up.
I let him steal from me.
Thinking if I provided money that I’d feel like I could be a provider — I could have his back — but the moment this happened was the reason why this relationship was accelerated to end even though this would have happened eventually through different mediums.

But this three-year emotionally insane relationship finally came to closure for me this week.
I feel at peace knowing I gave everything I had.
I feel at peace knowing that an abortion was the correct decision for my life path to have sanity and allowance for the right beautiful man to enter my life.
And in some ways, the whole reason part 2 happened was for me to have closure. Maybe I’m selfish, maybe I’m a horrible person. But I finally for the first time in three years feel at peace with this man in my heart. I have a certainty and knowing I did everything in my power to bend in every way to cater to his needs and I was never going to be able to give enough, pretend not to see his games between the lines enough, dissolve wanting more from him, and be what he wanted. I’m at peace with this now. Because I finally accept the truth of who I am was never going to fit with the identity of who he wanted me to become.

During the 16 months, we didn’t physically talk in this 3-year journey; we energetically communicated all the time. We’d visit each other in dreams; we’d write notes in our minds that the other person would receive. I mean, it was like loving a ghost that was a real person but both people just couldn’t communicate and have a relationship with one another because of the pain was so deep after an abortion. Plus the differences in our mindset. I had journals upon journals that I’d written him letters. I wanted to know answers on why he did certain things that caused me so much pain, on why he didn’t answer the phone when I called him when I was pregnant before I decided to abort the child.
I wanted to know why he lied about living with another woman — even saying things about this woman behind her back — but loved me.

Finally, we came back together, and for seven months, inseparable, barely an hour passes when you aren’t communicating or talking. And what a journey, a revelation, awareness’s about myself, clarity on who I want to be with, and I mean beautiful moments with him.
I got to see both of us in our raw, pure form of anger, beauty, sadness, love, depth, the desire to co-create a life with someone and genuinely want it with them and them alone. I mean, the experiences he offered me through this journey are something I treasure and take with me.
And I know that I was asking for closure.
I’d been praying to show me how to make me go all the way in on this guy, no turning back or please allow me to let go.

And the answers God gave me never allowed me to trust him going all the way in.
He was entangled with his divorce, transitioning out of a career; he ended up having another child because he got me and other women pregnant at the same time, but with her, it was an agreement like she was a surrogate for the child more than they were ever going to be dating.
He still carried too much baggage when he entered back into me. I wanted to forgive it; I tried to pretend none of these things mattered. The weight of each issue carried with him eventually was too much for me to hold on top of trying to add a business to my already successful business so that he could begin to meet his goals.

And finally, the pressure was just too much.
The things from his life kept pilling onto my still, peaceful, and free life.
I felt trapped in a corner. I’d given up pieces of my quietness and stillness to submit to the needs of his busy and chaotic life, which isn’t how I live or function.
Where there felt like he had this entire life wanting to make new income, finalizing a divorce, asking me to send $15,000 to the person’s mom he was divorcing, his child, drama with the baby’s mom, having a nanny that lives with him but cannot drive, building a business with him, building my business, my Ph.D. all while trying to be romantic, sexy, and loving.
I felt suffocated; I couldn’t breathe.
So, I ran away by trying to end it by giving up my place and traveling for two months.
But I couldn’t; my mind kept returning to him, phone calls, etc.
I tried to do it nicely, where tears flowed with both of us for an hour or so.
He called the next day and wanted to make it work again, but deep down, my heart had already decided.
From my business, I let him collaborate with me on a project, after giving him $15,000 he wanted another $2,500 but in my heart, I knew I’d never give him more money. As I did the work, these were my existing clients, I was doing all the backend to the business, plus the calls with clients while he just showed up. And when the time came to give him the final amount I didn’t. I couldn’t I had to choose me and my business over this man. And so from his perspective, he feels I’m dishonest. From my perspective, I feel he didn’t do the agreed-upon work so was stealing from my business. And this showed up when I was the one he asked to delete everything from social media not him because again he did not do any work. He gave nothing of himself to have to delete.
Which led to finally, one day, I just unleashed an explosion of fire where the things I said there was no coming back.

And it finally ended with an email sequence just like the way it began for part 2.
He deleted me off social media as I unfollowed him on IG weeks earlier, and I deleted him after part 1.
The full circle of completion.
The letting go.
The resolution.
The closure I’d been seeking since February 2020 when I blocked him after he said, “he had a dream where he saw a silver pole going through my head.”

The email of the final ending was from me to him.
And no response.

“It takes being a friend to have a friend.
You can love someone and know they’re still not good for you.
You can miss someone every day but know they still don’t have a place in your life.
This is what I wrote to you after part one but never sent.
I should have left it there and never reached out again. — considering you were still entangled in a divorce and had no business trying to date me at the same time again.

Oh, Beautiful {Name}✨
Thank you for your beautiful messages.
There’s nothing to worry about. There’s no bad vibes or negative emotions between us. I have nothing wrong to say; this is a decision made from self-empowerment and self-love.

I trust in time through God you’ll understand this decision.

I’m very grateful for everything you’ve shared and the time we have spent together.

I know you’ll experience amazing love with incredible humans, continue to expand the life of your dreams to create a more epic life, and have the most amazing lifetime this time around.

Thank you for reminding me that my power lies within me, that my heart is pure, my soul is transparent, and I should never settle for anything short of my wildest dreams.

It’s a beautiful world out there.
Enjoy it all.
Xoxo
Colleen

I messaged a mentor sharing.
It’s finally complete.
They responded, “I am happy you got the closure you’ve been looking for.”
And to me, it made sense they were right.
The whole time I wanted clarity, closure, understanding of what was this relationship?
Why did this man bring out so much intensity inside of me?
I realized it was passion.
This was a relationship of passion, not of true union partnership.
As it was based on lies, he didn’t share the truth of his life from the beginning, which attracted me to hide my true feelings of what I desired from him. 
And love cannot live on any lies, only full transparency.
And so, how does closure happen?

I think sometimes we want to close a door so fast, slamming it in the face when the emotions within us run deep.
Sometimes we never quite understand why the Universe had us go through such insane relationships until much later.
But here is what I’ll say I prayed, created, and desired answers. 
And my need for answers on this relationship, on the why, on the INTERNAL NEED — yes need — to understand love, my desire to reincarnate my daughter Ella who was in my womb for five weeks, aborted five days after my first missed period, I wanted her to know I tried everything, I gave it my all, and he did too. It’s just two different people with two different ways of operating. Sadly, as I learned with my first love after college, love isn’t enough to keep a relationship going. It requires truth, commitment, devotion, courage, and authentic depth to become the most excellent version of each other together.

And so, wherever you are on your journey requiring assistance for closure. I did some things to create this closure on a relationship I thought was love but was passion. And this is what gave me answers in my pain that most people carry with them for a lifetime.
1. Begin to have conversations with the person like they are in the room even if they aren’t or you have not talked in years or decades. Act as if you are talking to their Soul and Spirit; I promise you answers will come.
2. Journal — write down your thoughts of what you want — I wrote about this man that I want to live with my Beloved — I want to wake up to him every single day — and this happened so fast I realized he isn’t the man for me. But I did this day in and day out for 16 months before he came back into my life.
3. Ask for Universe state out loud, “I am requesting a spiritual solution to this. Please allow my thoughts to think forward instead of backward. Please support me in healing myself. I am grateful to have peace of mind again.
4. Talk to your friends, so they lift you up — to let you know that everything was right on purpose with the relationship — no time lost or wasted — now you have a new clarity of what you want and to go out there and get it

Most importantly, I hope you — yes, you — reading this it offers you support.
That your love story.
Your moment in time with passion, memories, experiences with another is always right on track with your life journey.
It is constantly providing you the healing you need so that you can become who you were destined to become in this world.

Please let me know how this goes for you, and I’d love for you to share your love story or struggles with me to support you in the healing.

And finally, thank you my Beloved for going on this co-created journey with me this lifetime around for me to rise into who I was always meant to become. The lessons, the memories, and the beauty will stay within my heart. 
We are both set free❤
I love you,
Colleen

Resources for more depth
My third book — An Uncompromised Life
The Recorded Live Virtual Book Talk for An Uncompromised Life
How to Overcome Heartbreak and Forever Attract Love Workshop